Saturday, January 8, 2011

At my Funeral

There is very little in this world that makes me more upset than making someone do things for "appearance sake". I could give a crap about "what people think", honestly. Guilt trips suck, especially when no one can give you a good reason why.

Anyway, Brian's step grandma died. They were not close. So we were off to the funeral. I had no desire to go, I wasn't asked to go, I was "required" to go...mind you, this is Brian's dad's stepmom...Brian's dad died 5 years ago, and he had a family before he met Brian's mom, so they have all always been "second best". So what did we get today? Snubbed by Brian's halfsister during the "passing of peace" at church. Now, if anyone could use some peace, it is probably her. Or a sharp smack to the head, which she almost got from me today.

So it got me thinking about my own funeral watching this elaborate charade for someone they never called "mom" or "grandma", but can now pretend they are all upset about her death.

1. Do NOT buy me a casket and put me on prime real estate. Cremate me the cheapest way possible, and scatter my ashes. If you have to, buy a marker at a mausoleum. But here is a hint: I'm not there. If it makes you feel better, I am claustrophobic and I hate cold and dark places. Don't bury me.
2. Speaking of me "not being there", these are guidelines I think make good common sense, but I'M not there, so don't worry about what I would think. Wherever I am going, I'm gone. Do what you gotta do.
3. Take whatever money you were going to spend on a funeral bemoaning the fact that I am gone and have a good old fashioned Irish wake/party. I want everyone to have a shot of whiskey on the house, and tell happy stories about me. There should be a couple (I hope).
4. Do NOT under any circumstances guilt trip someone into going to my party, or make them feel shitty if they don't go. There are people that simply cannot deal with people dying/funerals/etc (like me), and no one should feel bad if they don't show up. Once again: I AM NOT THERE AND DON'T CARE IF THEY ARE THERE OR NOT. However, you can let them know I said they are missing a hell of a party.
5. Please, for the love of everything holy or not-so, do not have some clergy member get up there and pretend that he knew me and talk nice about me from what a few people told him and what he read in the obit. What a waste of time and pretty much a joke. Get up and tell whatever stories you want about me, the funnier the better. That's who I am, and that's how I want to be remembered. Not that, "She loved knitting" because he read it in the paper.
6. Speaking of obits, mine had better be fun. I know that people think it's so wrong to have anything but the regular run of the mill obit. Please don't let the funeral home guy/newspaper guy/etc talk you into anything but what you think I'd want said about me (unless it needs to be edited for a "family paper"...I get this). I know that if it's really wordy it costs more...this is why I have life insurance--for the party, booze and the write up in the paper.
7. Most importantly, I'm not really gone. Not that I am anticipating haunting anyone or anything, but as long as you remember who I am, and remember the good times, a part of me keeps going, whether it does on another plane or not.

So that's it. And if anyone gets out of line or is being a bitch at my funeral, please feel free to smack them in the head. You can use the life insurance money to throw your bail in the event of an assault charge. ;)