So tonight I am going to a painting class, to paint a picture (not paint a wall). Who knew something so simple can cause so much anxiety.
It's $20. It's not a big deal. It's something I've always wanted to do. But here's where I am in my mind:
*It's going to suck. I can't paint.
*I don't even know what door to go in. What if I go in the wrong door and get yelled at?
*What if I'm surrounded by bitches who all know each other and won't talk to me? This will make my loneliness worse.
*I should be home cleaning. My kids won't clean while I'm gone. They're not as good as other people's kids.
*I am literally watching Bob Ross videos to psych myself up.
Seriously, I already know the flipside:
*What if it's great?
*What of you learn something new?
*What if you meet nice people to talk to?
It's just hard for me to think that way. Nothing good seems to happen. And when it does, it comes with caveats that stop it from being all it should.
Let's face it, I shouldn't be terrified about an art class. It's fucked up. But it just reinforces everything I see wrong with me. I don't do anything right. And nobody cares. And is that good, or bad?