Friday, October 31, 2014

I'm Tired.

I'm just plain worn down.  Like to the point where I don't know why I do anything I do.  And my husband doesn't know why I do anything I do, but if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.

I'm tired of never feeling good enough.

I'm tired of always caring.

I'm tired of always saying yes.

I'm tired of worrying about money.

I'm tired of constantly doing for my kids, who don't appreciate it anyway.  But the opposite of this is feeling like a bad mom who will have kids in therapy saying their mother never cared about them if I don't do it.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing that I'm fat (although it's not what everyone else sees.  At least they don't say it.  That's something.)

I'm tired of being the person to worry about Halloween costumes, carving pumpkins, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas presents, birthday parties, etc etc etc and there is never anyone that helps me with them.  If I didn't do them, they wouldn't get done, and that's not ok.  Are there things I can let go and not worry about?  Sure.  But some things, you just can't.

I'm tired of being screwed over by people because it's not "professional" to say anything.  No, I don't want to teach 2 extra people after we signed a contract because you said, "Hope it's ok..."  It's not ok.  But I don't say that.

I'm tired of my professor for my one class this semester who can't *quite* give me full marks.  It always has to be .25 or .5 less than full marks.  Because I am just not. that. good.

I'm tired of my husband telling me to change, and stop worrying, and WTF is the matter with me, and why won't I love him, and why do I have to be so negative, and what if it did that and....and....and....

I'm tired of trying so damn hard, and it's never enough.  I sewed my daughter's Halloween costume--what she wanted to be--and when she didn't get as many compliments as her brother's costume (he went as jellybeans--2 garbage bags, $6 worth of balloons, tape and a Jelly Belly label on the front) she stomped her foot and had a fit. 

I'm tired of seeing other people so joyful, and I can't get there.  And when I do I feel like something is wrong with me, or I am waiting for the next thing to come along and ruin it.

I'm tired of hearing "I'll take care of it" or "I'll come up with something" and I know it's lies.  I'm tired of things being broken-cars, dishwashers, the friggin air conditioning--and that's ok that we live with that broken.  That's ok that we go without.

I'm tired of things being the way they are.  And if I improve and things around me don't, what's the point?


Jessica Fredrick said...

This breaks my heart and yet I completely understand

Jessica Fredrick said...

This breaks my heart and yet I completely understand