Monday, May 13, 2013

Frustration

First of all, I had a lovely Mother's Day, and I hope other mom's did too.

*rant on*

And now...I am so frustrated with my own mother.  She decides on whims whether or not she is talking to me.  She gets mad at me for perceived things she thinks I do.  My life is a constant battle of "You have to..." or "You better..."'s. 

The latest:  She got mad at me (I think) because I didn't go to my cousin's Lia Sophia party (thereby making her "look bad").  I was fortunate enough to get a scholarship to go to a library conference, which fell over the same time as the party.  I ordered online for the party, and went to my library conference.

My mother didn't speak to me for 2 weeks.  She then calls and pointedly talks to my children--and when the kids ask if she wants to talk to me, they get "No.  Bye."  Childish?  You bet.

So my uncle in New Jersey has cancer, and they decide to go.  My mom leaves me a voicemail that they are leaving and will be about a week.  Says nothing else, then comes walking into my house, drops a bag of potatoes on my kitchen floor (My kids are all sitting there mind you...) says nothing to my children, says to me, "Eat these or they'll go bad", then peals out of the driveway and speeds down my street.

So--onto Mother's Day.  I have heard NOTHING from them.  No "We're here" or "We're home".  I tried calling my mom's cell phone yesterday and got no answer.  So I am quite sure the WRATH OF MY FATHER will be down on my shortly, about how I neglected my mother and I am disrespectful and evil incarnate, etc etc etc.  Screaming and yelling will ensue, in an attempt to get me to cry.  This is what my parents do.  They "bait me" into a fight.

I'm done.

I just can't do this anymore.  I am quite sure my mother is suffering from something.  She's not the same person she used to be.  My dad blames menopause.  For the past 20 years.  He says things like, "I'd leave her, but where would I go?"  So he knows there are problems too.  But when it's her against me, it's not a contest who's side he chooses.  What I'm confused about is why there is any side to begin with.

My mom needs to understand she just can't come waltzing in and out on a whim.  Either be a decent human being or stay away.  You don't have to like me, but you have 3 grandchildren that I would love to let you see, but that I don't want used as pawns in your stupid whatever this is.

My childhood was horrific.  I just need to take away the power so that I don't have to feel this miserable at 40 anymore.  I'm tired of being the one to say I'm sorry for stuff when I don't know what I did.  I'm tired of being the one to face the wrath, and who gets blamed for everything.  I'm tired of trying.  I just feel like I don't care anymore.  I just can't take anymore.

*rant off*

3 comments:

karinajean said...

I totally feel you. I read a few mother's day cards in the drug store and felt like I immediately needed to rush to my therapists office! They are more like "aspirational mother's day cards," and they really highlight the kind of relationship I *don't* have with my mom. which is, all things considered, pretty good. but she isn't emotionally equipped to parent me, and hasn't been since - oh. middle school.

karinajean said...

BUT WAIT I forgot to say: sometimes being a healthy adult is making boundaries and enforcing them. it's a total f'in drag, but - you can do it. I'm sorry that you have to.

Jessica Fredrick said...

I'm so sorry. I wish this would just stop. You shouldn't have to deal with this childish behavior.